Pain and Atrophy

I had my second follow-up appointment today. It went okay. I still have a bit of swelling, but not too much. My quads are atrophying way too quickly though, apparently. I'm not sure why it's atrophying faster than they expected. Most of it is because I can't walk properly, I'm wearing a brace, and I'm not moving it a ton due to the brace. I've been limping/barely putting weight on it since before the surgery when I hurt it in the beginning of April, so it probably started atrophying then. It doesn't help that my appetite is still barely there, so I'm probably not eating enough to maintain what little muscle I had to begin with.

Atrophy. I don't think it looks too terrible (Until I stand
up. Then my left leg looks like it did when I was 12).

I've been doing all of the PT exercises except for one (quad presses). The quad presses were causing a lot of pain in the back of my knee, so they told me to lay off of them. I tried them again recently, and they are still quite painful. The physician's assistant (I still haven't seen the surgeon; he's been out of town and I'll see him in 2 weeks) said that I may have some sort of fluid cyst thing in the back of my knee causing that pain, and that I just have to push through it now. If I don't push through it, I have to use an e-stim machine to stimulate my quads since my leg is rapidly shrinking. I HATE e-stim machines. We practiced using them on each other in OT school, and some people said they were relaxing. I felt like I was being electrocuted and found it incredibly painful even on the lower settings.

It also hurts really badly when I bend my knee from about 20-50 degrees, which she said is probably scar tissue from the surgery and may eventually go away. For now, I have to deal with it. They also reiterated that the recovery that I was originally thinking would be 3 months is actually closer to 1.5 to 2 YEARS. It'll continue to feel better week by week, but she said it's a looooooooooong, slooooooooooooooow recovery. I'm patient with some things (children, the elderly, my patients), but I am not patient with myself at all. This whole process is literally driving me insane. It takes me forever to do everything, and I'm so sick of sitting on this couch. 

I also learned from the PA that redheads typically have a more difficult recovery, and a lot more trouble with pain management since the meds don't work as well on us. HOORAY. It's something in the gene that makes red hair. And, usually people who get OCD in their knees are boys, teenagers, very tall people, people who have had a huge growth spurt, and incredibly athletic people. I am none of these things, with the exception of being minimally athletic. I am just getting lucky and beating the odds all over the place. 

I wouldn't say I'm the toughest person in the world. I am a huge baby with anything emotional, but I'm usually decently tough with physical pain. Not lately though. Everything hurts, and I am so sick of constantly being in pain. My knee hurts (obviously) in 3 different specific places. The incisions hurt, even when a bed sheet barely brushes them. My hip hurts from doing all the PT and from compensating when I walk. My ankle hurts from how I have to walk with the brace and my foot hurts from the extra weight of the brace. My thumbs and wrists have hurt since fieldwork, and now they hurt a thousand times more from getting the brace on and off and from awkwardly moving around to compensate for my leg. Everything hurts.

The PA didn't look too thrilled when I mentioned I had been going for walks, so maybe I'm just doing too much. She said I shouldn't really be taking any walks, and that I should pretty much just be sitting on the couch, using the CPM machine, and doing PT. She said if I'm going absolutely stir crazy, I can go for a very short walk. I don't feel like I'm over-doing it, but maybe I am. I've never been good with moderation. I'm an all-or-nothing type of person, usually more on the "all" side.

I honestly think I'm going to start doing deep breathing exercises while listening to Bob Marley for at least 15 minutes a day, because I am going to explode (the 35 meltdowns I've had so far don't truly count as explosions, right?!) from the amount of stress I'm feeling if I don't figure something out soon. One part of me is saying "Wow, it's almost been 3 weeks already!" and the other half is going "Oh my gosh, it's only been 2.5 weeks. You have a wayyyys to go."

(Original pic from this site)

I apologize for being so whiney and complain-y. I really needed a vent post, even though I know there are things to be grateful for. Even if it takes me FOREVER, at least I can walk. At least I can bathe myself. At least I can still eat even if my appetite isn't always there. At least I still have leg muscles to atrophy, and they'll come back when I start the move intensive physical therapy. At least I'm still here and I still have my body to feel all of this stupid pain, and at least I have this handsome (and spectacularly creepy with his mustache that lasted approximately 15 hours) dude to give my sore foot that I can't reach a massage.

If this picture doesn't creep you out, I don't know what will.

Dad Update: He's doing really well! Walking around like crazy, and he abandoned his walker after about 2 days. He still uses it for long walks though. Dad has his follow-up appointment tomorrow.

Last, what we did for Caitlyn today. She only has 4 days left!

The video would've been longer but it kept freezing. We attacked her with poppers (which we saved for a day when Little John wasn't here so that we wouldn't scare him half to death again), and caught her totally off guard :)